CREATURE WORKSHOP #3 Dandylion

dan·dy

[dan-dee] noun, plural -dies, adjective, -di·er, -di·est

–noun

Informal . something or someone of exceptional or first-rate quality: Your reply was a dandy.

 

First-rate?  Thanks for the explanation Dictionary.com.

  

Lions, the four legged variety, are majestic and cool animals.  They are also known for their brute strength and their bites.  They truly are the king of beasts.

 

Dandelions are the worst if you want to get rid of them.  Spray 'em, pick 'em, they come back every year.  They sit on your lawn, like they are giving you the finger every time you look at them and say, "Yeah, I'm back.  There's nothing you can do about it."

So what happened when scientists went too far, like in Jurassic Park, and combined the DNA of Taraxacum officinale with Panthera Leo?

THEY CREATED A MONSTER!

Cross-eyed jerk...

Definitely, as the description implies, they're first rate.  FIRST RATE A-HOLES! Yeah these little buggers are tougher than snot to kill.  They will bite and like crickets at night, they never shut up.  I have to wear earplugs when I'm mowing my lawn, because they shout insults.  Just this morning I was trying to sleep, and outside the Dandylions were at it again, arguing about something pointless.  This was the gist of our conversation.

 

I had just rolled out of bed and I heard them shouting at each other.

 

"You keep playin' with grass, I told ya it's bad fer ya."

"You can't tell me what to do, dad."

I opened my window and yelled at them.

"Shut up! I'm trying to sleep!"

"Oi!  Lookit, it's the wee man," the male said.

"Mine yer own business," the cub said.

 

"C'mere man!  Lemme see yer toes," a Dandylioness said.  "I got sumfin' fer ya."

 

"Ya got some weed-b-gon?" 

"Oh ya!" the male said. "Come try it again on us."

I rubbed my eyes so I could see clearer.

"Just be quiet fellas, alright?  I'm trying to get some shuteye."

"Oh, sorry," the male said, but he had a smirk on his face, "Shh...everyone shad up!"

Just as I was about to close the window, the Dandylions obviously wanted to make me angry, because they all started roaring as loudly as they could.

"AHHHHHH ROOOOOOAAAAAR!"

"ROOOAAAARRRRR!"

"RAH RAH RAH!"

So what did I do next?  I got out the earplugs.

Click to expand for more details...

This picture is of the jerks living nearby.  The cub at the top right, lighter than the others, he gets scolded quite a bit.  Apparently he has been eating lots of grass, and well, it's not very good for Dandylions, they are meat-eaters.  The Dandylioness' usually aren't as pleased about the bickering.

TIPS ON REMOVAL

 

Flamethrowers are effective.  Fresh out?  Yeah, me too.  Get some flammable spray and a match and your set.  You could try weed-b-gon or some other equivalent, but weed killers only kill weeds, and these are something more than just a weed.  They are genetically enhanced anima-weeds.  

THEIR CREATION

The government started creating these things as a form of psychological warfare, intended to annoy the enemy to death.  But unfortunately they were even more resilient than the government realized, and they lost control of them.  Now they're everywhere.  They usually hide within the ranks of regular dandelions because they blend really well.  

They are carnivorous plants, and they lie in wait.  When I mow my lawn I always wear high socks up to my knees.  If I am wearing some shorts I get some strange looks, but hey, its better than losing a chunk of my leg.  I remember the times when I used to be able to lay on the lawn comfortably and point out different clouds to my friends or family, good luck doing that now.  Too dangerous.

Maybe I should ditch the grass and just get some rocks.

  

  

 

CREATURE WORKSHOP #2 Pigasus

Name one mythological animal that has gotten the shaft more than Pigasus.  Name one!  Yeah, you can't.  Let's face it, pigs aren't pretty animals.  My wife will try to argue they are "cute" or "sweet" or "intelligent" but they are in no way majestic.  Through rare documents dated centuries ago, I can in fact vouch that Pigasus personally flew Perseus to battle the Kraken (not to be confused with the battle of the "cracklins" -- my wife insisted I include that).  But when they carved the statue of Perseus riding on the back of a pig, people scoffed and said, "yeah, right, like pigs could ever fly, that's not realistic."

When someone says to you, "Right, when pigs fly," what they are really saying is "Right, that will never happen."

HOW INSULTING TO THE POOR PIGASUS!

Despite the hate, Pigasus keeps trucking along...

Because there is almost nothing on the "unipig" variety of Pigasi, I will give you some of the finer points.

-Some pigs can fly.  Those that do are part of the Pigasi family.

-Some pigs have a single horn, like a unicorn, some don't.  Rumor has it, that all Pigasi at one point will grow a horn.  Not only that, there is a possibly that a farm pig you saw win the blue ribbon actually is a Pigasi.  Perhaps instead of becoming bacon, the owner should allow it to age, grow wings, and after hundreds of years, a horn.

ALMOST A CELEBRITY

I have close sources that tell me that Pigasus had at one point been portrayed properly in the new Clash of the Titans movie.  However Warner Bros changed its mind at the last moment.  I have located the following memo:

Dear Director,

Thank you for making this movie.  You are super good at making movies.  I really like Incredible Hulk.  Maybe we can play golf tomorrow?  

Anyway, this is a business correspondence so enough with the pleasantries.  The Board of Directors and myself have seen the concept artwork for the movie, and I have got to say we are thoroughly impressed.  Our one point of contention is the Pig.  What is a pig doing flying?  I think audiences will have a hard time believing in both the Kraken AND a flying pig.  Scratch it, or you're finished.

Warmest Regards,

CEO Big Wig

Such a shame!  Poor...poor Pigasus.

Sigh...what could have been...

Next time you pick up a Greek Mythology book, ask yourself, why not Pigasus?  Rick Riordan had a great opportunity to end the prejudice against Pigasus in Percy Jackson. I think it would have worked splendidly.

Your day will come, Pigasus.  Just wait.

CREATURE WORKSHOP #1 The Wolfrog

Creature Workshop: a place where animals, mystical creatures, plants or other things merge together to create an entirely different being.  I am planning on doing one of these about once a month. 


BEWARE, THE FOLLOWING MAY DISTURB YOU!
Due to the dangerous nature of these majestic creatures, only an artist rendition exists.  How did this person get the rendition, you ask?  I have no idea.  The depiction was found in an old gator hut in the southern part of the United States, deep in Wolfrog territory.  They are creatures notorious for their massive appetites and aggressive temperaments. 

The following is that depiction, probably drawn in the last moments of the artist's life, I present to you the only living rendition.

Scientists hypothesize that this is a male Bull Wolfrog.  Notice along the ridge of its back is a patch of mane.  Manes are exclusive to the Bull Wolfrog subspecies.  Their cousins of the Arizona desert, for example, are hairless and known for their nearly impenetrable scales.    

This Wolfrog also appears to have a long battle scar on his side.  Locals near the swamps in the southern U.S. have often reported the terrible sounds of Wolfrogs fighting for territory. 


WOLFROG SAFETY

Really there aren't many known ways to survive a Wolfrog attack.  However I am lucky enough to have a transcript of an interview I did with the foremost expert on Wolfrog Preparedness, Dr. Suze Norman.

ME: Hello, Suze, thank you for your time talking about the sensitive subject of Wolfrog attacks.

SUZE: You're welcome, thanks for having me.

ME:  So, for those that are going to listen to this, tell a little about yourself.

SUZE: I have a degree in Zoology from Oregon State University.  Originally I planned on studying more docile creatures, such as lions, bears, and such, but I was immensely fascinated in the subject of Wolfrogs.  My former partner, Jim, unfortunately died by the hands...err...mouth of a Wolfrog. He had collected some documents from the Narváez expedition during the 1500's.  No one really talks about the part when they went through Tampa Bay and ran into a pack of Wolfrogs.  Jim fought to get his works published, but unfortunately, Wolfrogs are a touchy subject for a lot of people, the media will not admit their existence, it's the white elephant in the room, no one wants to talk about it.  So his works were never published.

ME:  That probably makes things tough for you, in your studies, being able to feel validated?

SUZE:  It is, but my work is deeply rewarding, even if it is just for myself.  I have found some small publishers that might be interested in publishing his work.

ME:  That would be great.  So, let's talk Wolfrogs,

SUZE: (Laughs) Yes, let's.  Wolfrogs are nocturnal, so if for whatever reason, someone is crazy enough to travel in the Bayou at night, the best thing I can recommend is to travel by day.  Unless you are unlucky enough to stumble on a Wolfrog lair, you shouldn't have to worry too much during the day.  Now some say my ideas are a little crazy, but if you travel at night it's best to travel in a pack of three or four people, not necessarily to protect yourself--there isn't much that can be done if a Wolfrog attacks...(Long Pause) but really if you are with others, there is a better chance of survival, statistically speaking...say a Wolfrog catches your friend.  Well that gives you precious seconds to escape.

ME: Leave your friend?

SUZE:  The thing to understand is once a Wolfrog catches you, there is nothing that can be done.  Their powerful legs allow them to jump twenty feet in the air, their long teeth are so poisonous they can put the victim in cardiac arrest within fifteen seconds.   I'd say, its best to travel in pairs, because it gives you the best chance of escape.

ME: That's a bit grim...

SUZE:  (Interrupts) There's nothing cheerful about Wolfrogs, and I'm a blunt person.  If there are more people than four, the next best thing would be to split up.  With two groups traveling you can listen for the screams of the other group and avoid it.

ME:  What about guns?  I mean couldn't someone realistically shoot and kill a...

SUZE:(Interrupts) No.  Not realistic.  These are not gators.

ME:  Alright...well say you are by yourself?

SUZE:  By yourself?  Maybe make peace with God?  I suppose if you have a really strong will, you should run in unpredictable patterns.  Zig zags, hopping, sudden stops and turns.  If you find a bone, (preferably not your own) you can toss that and sometimes a Wolfrog has been known to succumb to doggy instincts. 

END OF INTERVIEW

That is all I am willing to share on the subject, the rest of the tape details the gruesome deaths of several well-known researchers. 

So, best advice to anyone, avoid the swamps of the south, and avoid the deserts of Arizona.