Sunday, May 8, 2011
CREATURE WORKSHOP #1 The Wolfrog
Creature Workshop: a place where animals, mystical creatures, plants or other things merge together to create an entirely different being. I am planning on doing one of these about once a month.
BEWARE, THE FOLLOWING MAY DISTURB YOU!
Due to the dangerous nature of these majestic creatures, only an artist rendition exists. How did this person get the rendition, you ask? I have no idea. The depiction was found in an old gator hut in the southern part of the United States, deep in Wolfrog territory. They are creatures notorious for their massive appetites and aggressive temperaments.
The following is that depiction, probably drawn in the last moments of the artist's life, I present to you the only living rendition.
Scientists hypothesize that this is a male Bull Wolfrog. Notice along the ridge of its back is a patch of mane. Manes are exclusive to the Bull Wolfrog subspecies. Their cousins of the Arizona desert, for example, are hairless and known for their nearly impenetrable scales.
This Wolfrog also appears to have a long battle scar on his side. Locals near the swamps in the southern U.S. have often reported the terrible sounds of Wolfrogs fighting for territory.
Really there aren't many known ways to survive a Wolfrog attack. However I am lucky enough to have a transcript of an interview I did with the foremost expert on Wolfrog Preparedness, Dr. Suze Norman.
ME: Hello, Suze, thank you for your time talking about the sensitive subject of Wolfrog attacks.
SUZE: You're welcome, thanks for having me.
ME: So, for those that are going to listen to this, tell a little about yourself.
SUZE: I have a degree in Zoology from Oregon State University. Originally I planned on studying more docile creatures, such as lions, bears, and such, but I was immensely fascinated in the subject of Wolfrogs. My former partner, Jim, unfortunately died by the hands...err...mouth of a Wolfrog. He had collected some documents from the Narváez expedition during the 1500's. No one really talks about the part when they went through Tampa Bay and ran into a pack of Wolfrogs. Jim fought to get his works published, but unfortunately, Wolfrogs are a touchy subject for a lot of people, the media will not admit their existence, it's the white elephant in the room, no one wants to talk about it. So his works were never published.
ME: That probably makes things tough for you, in your studies, being able to feel validated?
SUZE: It is, but my work is deeply rewarding, even if it is just for myself. I have found some small publishers that might be interested in publishing his work.
ME: That would be great. So, let's talk Wolfrogs,
SUZE: (Laughs) Yes, let's. Wolfrogs are nocturnal, so if for whatever reason, someone is crazy enough to travel in the Bayou at night, the best thing I can recommend is to travel by day. Unless you are unlucky enough to stumble on a Wolfrog lair, you shouldn't have to worry too much during the day. Now some say my ideas are a little crazy, but if you travel at night it's best to travel in a pack of three or four people, not necessarily to protect yourself--there isn't much that can be done if a Wolfrog attacks...(Long Pause) but really if you are with others, there is a better chance of survival, statistically speaking...say a Wolfrog catches your friend. Well that gives you precious seconds to escape.
ME: Leave your friend?
SUZE: The thing to understand is once a Wolfrog catches you, there is nothing that can be done. Their powerful legs allow them to jump twenty feet in the air, their long teeth are so poisonous they can put the victim in cardiac arrest within fifteen seconds. I'd say, its best to travel in pairs, because it gives you the best chance of escape.
ME: That's a bit grim...
SUZE: (Interrupts) There's nothing cheerful about Wolfrogs, and I'm a blunt person. If there are more people than four, the next best thing would be to split up. With two groups traveling you can listen for the screams of the other group and avoid it.
ME: What about guns? I mean couldn't someone realistically shoot and kill a...
SUZE:(Interrupts) No. Not realistic. These are not gators.
ME: Alright...well say you are by yourself?
SUZE: By yourself? Maybe make peace with God? I suppose if you have a really strong will, you should run in unpredictable patterns. Zig zags, hopping, sudden stops and turns. If you find a bone, (preferably not your own) you can toss that and sometimes a Wolfrog has been known to succumb to doggy instincts.
END OF INTERVIEW
That is all I am willing to share on the subject, the rest of the tape details the gruesome deaths of several well-known researchers.
So, best advice to anyone, avoid the swamps of the south, and avoid the deserts of Arizona.